Fleeing Fundamentalism Read online

  At the airport, as we lugged Micael’s baggage to the check-in counter, I glanced at him and remembered how he had looked almost thirty years before, boarding an international flight to West Germany, off to smuggle Bibles into Communist countries—strong, idealistic, and unafraid. He had been much like his beautiful daughter was this evening: glowing with excitement and confidence.

  That summer of 1976, I had flown to France with the same Bible smuggling fervor. We had been soldiers together, he and I, setting out to save the world, testifying to all who would listen. Now the words had become ghosts in our mouths. It was then I noticed that David was weeping, tears streaming down his cheeks and onto his jacket. It was not like him to show such unchecked emotion in public. I knew him—probably better than anyone—and as I looked at his face, I could feel his heartbreak. He ached for the loss of years, the time he had foolishly squandered, absent from his children’s lives—the evening when Carise descended the staircase, radiant in her first prom dress, or the afternoon Micael burst in to announce that she had landed the lead role in the school play, Jason’s championship soccer game—these could never be recaptured.

  As we walked Micael to the departure gate, I wept as well. I cried because I would miss her terribly, but I also wept for David. I suddenly understood that his burden was more than I had imagined. In a rush of tears, I forgave him for the past, releasing my bitterness toward him, casting it far into a dark abyss. In an odd irony of events, David and I had traveled along much the same path: youthful zealotry, a loss of faith, and finally, belief that spiritual growth is a road of discovery—not of submission to a rulebook. It is all we have, the ability to forgive and find common ground, the only means of turning our battered lives into song.

  Epilogue

  NOT LONG AFTER Jean and Doug returned to the mission field in 1992, Doug started seeing prostitutes again and reinfected Jean with venereal disease without her knowing it. They returned to America in 1996, and during a routine pap smear Jean discovered she had not only venereal disease but also uterine cancer. Her doctor told her the cancer was a direct result of being infected for so long. Jean fought her cancer and won, divorced Doug, and is now married to a Washington State patrolman.

  Susan has filed for divorce from Robert and is now a successful real estate agent in Seattle.

  Dan has hired a woman to expand his ministerial staff of fourteen associate pastors.

  A little over a year ago my father died, with the Camas Prairie grassland beneath his feet. Like his own father before him, he dropped instantly dead of a heart attack, onto the soil that he loved.

  Mom has moved off the ranch and now lives near Spokane, Washington.

  Carise is a sales manager for a Seattle mortgage firm. Micael returned from the Peace Corps and will attend American University as a graduate student in International Studies next fall. Jason served eighteen months in Baghdad, was promoted in rank several times, and reenlisted at the end of his term. He is now building roads in Afghanistan.

  David is back in the ministry, filling churches to capacity as he gives Christian living seminars up and down the West Coast.

  Acknowledgments

  CARISE, MICAEL, AND JASON have been delightful companions on this journey. From childhood, they have always been kind, loving individuals. Each one read the manuscript before it was ever submitted for publication, offering insight, critique, and encouragement. Although they are first and foremost my children, now as adults they are also my cherished friends.

  Rupert Macnee has been my steady ally on this path.

  Bonnie Solow has shown me unwavering support and friendship. Bonnie is the perfect agent: brilliant, warm, and resolutely tenacious.

  Chuck Adams has been a great honor to work with. He is a superb editor, always motivated by deep wisdom and a warm heart.

  Robert Jones, my copyeditor, has exhibited astonishing knowledge of all things human and divine.

  And finally, everyone at Algonquin Books has been utterly gracious and a true pleasure to work with.

  About the Author

  CARLENE CROSS EARNED A DEGREE in Religious Studies from Big Sky Bible College before marrying the minister of a thriving Fundamentalist church near Seattle, Washington. As a minister’s wife she was a popular feature soloist—both vocal and flautist—performing for conferences and retreats throughout Washington. She also taught Bible studies, family life seminars, and counseled scores of women in the movement.

  In 1990 she divorced and returned to school to complete a BA in history and an MA in communications history from the University of Washington. She lives in Seattle, where she has worked as a college counselor and a public television producer.

  She is author of a previous nonfiction work entitled The Undying West: A Chronicle of Montana’s Camas Prairie, published in 1999.

  Also by CARLENE CROSS

  The Undying West: A Chronicle of Montana’s Camas Prairie

  Published by

  ALGONQUIN BOOKS OF CHAPEL HILL

  Post Office Box 2225

  Chapel Hill, North Carolina 27515-2225

  a division of

  WORKMAN PUBLISHING

  225 Varick Street

  New York, New York 10014

  © 2006 by Carlene Cross. All rights reserved.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

  E-book ISBN 978-1-61620-294-1